Over the last few weeks, there has been quite a bit that has happened in the worlds of people around me.
But something I have come to realise is this, we can’t support these people if we aren’t honouring ourselves.
Last night I lay in bed with my man and he asked me if I was alright. I wasn’t. I wanted to run far away and sit by myself. I wanted to go home to my house and be in my bed with my things. I told him I was fine. Im okay. Everything is great babe. He knew it wasn’t.
I would have cried myself all the way home. I would have found a reason to be angrier that I left, crankier that I should have to drive all that way home.
I knew this, so I closed my eyes and I went to sleep. This morning he woke me when he left for work at an ungodly hour and gently kissed me, saying he loved me and he couldn’t wait to hold me this afternoon. His eyes were worried about me, and I am guessing about why I had been so distant last night. I kissed him back and fell into a deep sleep, until my alarm woke me 45 minutes later for my morning routine.
Image via Pinterest
Sometimes I skip this morning routine for sleep, because lets face it, sleep. Just sleep. But today I knew I couldn’t sleep through what I needed to do. I joined some beautiful sisters for a meditation circle at 6 and then sat here in this bed and went inside myself to work out what the hell I was running from/to last night.
It took a while but as always, suddenly, the answer was clear. I was running to myself. I felt like I had been neglecting who I was and what I wanted over the previous days. I mean, I always check in with myself, but I had been so ‘busy’, I hadn’t really listened to the answers. I started to disconnect from myself and when that happens, I find it hard to connect with anyone. So I asked myself the three magic questions and they were answered in an instant.
What am I assuming? That I need to be at home to be connected to myself
What is the truth? I am right here and can connect at any moment, I can give myself the space and time wherever I am to do that. People don’t care if I need to take 5 minutes to go within. They don’t need to know thats what I am doing. This is something I need to do regularly to live this life of being in my body.
What would I love? To go to the beach this afternoon. To drink some hot tea. To allow myself to feel at home wherever I am, however it is.
Now I’m not giving up my home, and especially my bed, as my safe and happy place. It is my sanctuary. But I can see that I was putting conditions on being grounded and embodied. I can’t be connected to others when I am disconnected from myself. And sometimes, the answer you give may not be the answer other people want to hear, but when it comes from your knowing, you will be okay with honouring yourself.
If I had gone home last night at 9.30, it wouldn’t have been to honour myself, but to wake me up to the fact that I hadn’t been honouring myself. It would have been dramatic and probably traumatic and it wouldn’t have been anywhere near as nice this morning. Had I realised what was happening and honoured myself earlier, I may have decided to have dinner and then go home from a place of knowing I needed some time to be with me. It looks the same to the outside, but the feelings are worlds apart in me.
I also know that today, I will spend some time being with just me. In fact I already have. For me that looks like reading articles that I have been putting off, journalling and feeling. I ‘should’ have been finishing a reading (sorry gorgeous girl, it is coming, I promise) but this afternoon when I do it, I know I will be way more connected to it than had I done it this morning.
So I want you to go out there today, and even while you are at work, feel into where you are and ask what you would love. Don’t run on autopilot when you ask, listen to the answer. Try something different. Be IN your body.